Unlocking the Code: 5 Tips to ignite Your Love Life
Hi friends, and welcome to another post!
Although winning in love requires more than five tips, I wanted to share the 5 things I would focus on to turn my love life around, tips gathered from over one hundred relationships and two divorces.
Needless to say, there are many things we don’t understand until we experience a shock or undesirable event, which is something most would like to avoid. If I knew then what I know now, I would have started here.
1 - IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE ONE
I've had my fair share of one-sided relationships, especially since my self-esteem sucked until my mid-20s, bending over backwards for anyone who would give me any attention. Like shooting darts in the dark, I’ve made all the mistakes there are to be made—presents too soon, showers of affection, proving myself, grandiose gestures, etc, often feeling like I hadn’t done enough.
Despite my desperate attempts to cling to others, my approach led to poor results. I compensated my partner’s lack of interest in me through various means, but when they had had enough, they left anyway. That led to resentment and hopelessness, but eventually, I understood the core lesson of my experiences.
It takes two people consistently wanting to be in a relationship for one to exist. Most of us enter relationships willingly and with our best foot forward, but once things don’t unfold as we expected, we begin to drift. Our dark sides emerge, the honeymoon feelings plummet, and soon we find ourselves daydreaming about the pleasures of a single life (or with someone else, perhaps). That is the seed of your own destruction, much like torturing yourself about your job until you snap and quit.
These cycles result from our ignorance and lack of experience. We think that we can find a perfect partner “off the shelf”, like a car with an ideal spec-list, but that person doesn't exist. Why? Because we are human beings, and reality unfolds as we speak (taught by multiple schools of wisdom, proven by science.). Our responses, preferences, and behavior stem from a lifelong journey of being in our own skin every millisecond of our life, and even those raised under nearly identical conditions often behave in opposite ways.
Take a symphonic orchestra concert, for example. Different individuals may have contrasting reactions – one might sob in awe, while another may curse at the director. What one person perceives as a dream come true, another might view as just another day on the job. Expecting others to mirror our reactions is inherently illogical and often becomes the initial cause of relationship breakdowns and emotional distress.
And because we tend to dislike — in various degrees — those who oppose us, we are also prone to hold resentment against those who didn’t act they way we would have. That leads to demanding change, disagreements, arguments and eventually “irreconcilable differences”.
To build a solid relationship foundation, you must stop comparing, measuring, or noticing what's amiss, and recognize what you appreciate. Because things aren’t always even in love, one partner is usually willing to sacrifice more (opinions, preferences, ego, etc) to keep things afloat, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t undesirable traits and responses in you.
Open your eyes to the fact that someone with infinite choices is by your side, despite the many things that they love or abhor about you, and work on making your emotional space better by consciously choosing to be there. In a good relationship two come together as one, against anything else that you might face.
2 - BECOME YOUR PARTNER’S ROCK
As humans, we dread unpleasant surprises, and love security and certainty. While we seek these emotions in school, work and chip-punk money, the love game is the only place you can find them forever. Why? Because the financial game is out of your hands; the other player is the financial system, and it does what it wants with you. Your job is the same; you can commit your entire life to your career and lose your family over it, but if at one point you become an expense they don't need, you are out.
In love, however, both players are involved, know each other, and want the best for each other. Work stresses you out because you know you can get fired anytime; the market stresses you out because it swallows your income, and the things you bought to feel “joy” now hold you prisoner. For many, their relationships stresses them out because their life is a ticking bomb, but prefer the pain of the known versus enduring the perceived work needed to make things better.
If you can realize that your relationship, first emotional then physical, is a safe-haven for both, the world around you flourished because all is well at home. If you do, think and feel the way you did at the beginning, you are guaranteed to see no end.
Work together to recreate the rules of your union as a team, according to what you prefer and what you want to avoid. You can only do that in a relationship; not at work or anywhere else. You can’t tell your boss how you like to be pampered when stressed, tell your customers how to behave, or negotiate with your bank so you are always up.
With your partner, however, you can agree to (and create) all the rules. You can design a predictable space that nourishes all of your needs, including connection, significance, contribution, excitement, stability, and growth. You can make home a place where you can take your mask off and be yourself, your best self, and not fear for stability when you are not.
It’s also the only place where you know what to expect because even if the world crumbles around you, you know that no emotional surprises are waiting to jump at you once you cross that door.
3 - CHANGE YOUR LENSES
More or less, the way we behave in relationships is what we learned from our parents and other couples around us. It is not unlikely to recreate in our lives the fight we saw as kids, and take similar measures to end a fight, such as stonewalling, self-righteous indignation, etc.
While we also go through life with the lenses acquired from others, we adjust as we fail with manageable repercussions, until we find a way that works for us. But in love, unfortunately, we don't have the luxury to make big mistakes and adapt if necessary. Why?
Because some approaches inevitably lead to breakup and divorce, and the lessons learned, although valuable, are only discovered through loss and pain. There is a reason why loyalty, trust, honesty, integrity, and devotion are passed down from generation to generation; they encapsulate many of the other ingredients we need to experience relationship bliss.
From our childhood we also believe that “the perfect partner is one who behaves in a way I approve”, because that’s how we were treated and not taught any better. If you didn’t behave in a way that parents, teachers, coaches or friends approved, you risked feeling insufficient. But if others had given you a voice, heard your concerns and preferences, it’s likely that an enjoyable compromise could have been found, and with it the skills to communicate.
Communicating better starts with you, by listening to your partner and not jumping to conclusions. There is valuable information in every interaction, and if you can put your ego aside and not assume, you will experience the fine balance most people seek. Finding the middle ground each and every time is the best way to end up in a place of mutual accordance, and once that is set, it becomes a new emotional home for both.
4 - EMBODY WHO YOU DESIRE
None of the above would be possible if we don't engage in introspection once in a while, and ideally, often. There are many things about ourselves we don't know or realize, especially how we behave when facing a perceived threat, whether real or imaginary.
Some people become wolverines at the scent of abandonment, using aggressive tactics to prevent their partner from leaving, tactics that eventually cause of the rupture. Others fear heartbreak, holding their emotional cards close to their chest to avoid more pain, not realizing that this behavior pushes the other person away.
While it's easy justify the things we do, it's not easy to realize and admit that we cause our own suffering. To be successful in a relationship, you need to be aware of your behavior, apologize when needed, and realize how you contribute to the situations you experience. Once you choke your ego to the ground, it will be that much easier to create the ultimate experience of love you dream of.
5 - GET BACK UP
Last but not least, you need to be OK with failing, or better said, learning.
At one point or another, your relationship will end. A relationship can last a day, a week, a month, or a lifetime (at least for one of you), but eventually it comes to an end. The goal of a relationship is not to find out how long you can stay in it, but the quality of emotions you experienced.
Most of us want to find our soulmate or “twin flame”, and endure life with a partner that will have our backs no matter what. But sometimes we come across people who say they are one thing, and their actions prove them to be another; clueless and unwilling to change destructive behavior.
An inflexible partner creates their own misery, and the desire to exit the relationship will eventually manifest that outcome. There’s not amount of patience you can develop that will justify an emotional hell.
If you've come to the end of a relationship for whatever reason, pat yourself on the back and smile; you now have the chance to find someone as devoted as you. You deserve nothing less than that, and so does your partner, so don’t settle for less. If it doesn't work out, giving your best becomes a boat when the flood comes, a boat that will take you to greener and calmer shores.
CONCLUSION
Love is much like martial arts, where every move is a lesson and every misstep an opportunity for growth, in a safe environment where we vow not to hurt each other. While these five tips expose the tip of the iceberg, navigating the jungle of love requires more than a predetermined path.
The journey unfolds uniquely for each couple, shaped by the wisdom gained through experiences and the resilience to adapt. If you’d like a deeper look at how I achieved the perfect relationship, please check out my bok “No Grail Without Dragons: A Man’s Unconventional Path to Love, Purpose, and Peace”
So, as you recalibrate your love-nav and travel a new path, remember that these insights are not strict rules but lessons that could save you enormous suffering, enabling you to experience the feeling of connection and fulfillment everyone fantasizes about.
Thanks for reading,
Victor
Purchase “No Grail Without Dragons” here
