HOW I OVERCAME THE FEAR OF BREAKUPS: 5 PRACTICAL PRINCIPLES FOR MEN
CHOKING
Up until a few years ago, my first breakup still felt like an emotional rope around my neck.
I’m walking into Maria’s apartment, the place she shared with her mom and cousin in the middle of Paterson, NJ. At 18 and this being my first girlfriend, I couldn’t stop thinking about her and did what I thought was right to keep the fire going: called every day, purchased expensive presents (that I couldn’t afford), and saw her as much as possible.
The previous day, I had taken money from my savings and invited her to a nearby restaurant. After our mid-afternoon date, we headed back to her place, when she showered my ego with everything it wanted to hear. I felt like I had won the lottery, and what I had dreamt of had become a reality. I had found “the one”.
Happy about what had happened the day before, I took a shower, put on my best clothes, and headed over to see her again. The 3-mile walk to her place served as a reminder of how much I wanted to be with her.
Once I arrived at her doorstep, I rang the bell, anxiously waiting for her to show up so I could hug and kiss her. But something felt different, and her reaction wasn’t the one I was used to. We walked up the stairs in silence, and she kept her distance from me, both physically and emotionally.
For the first time, I felt the inner turmoil of anxiety, this knot in my chest like a monster in an Alien movie. To get a grasp on this unknown situation, I asked “what’s wrong” multiple times until the truth came out. "It’s not you, it’s me,” she confidently said, as if rehearsed. “I’m not in love anymore, and I think it’s best for you if we split.”
Within seconds, my dreamed world collapsed, and finding a solution for this conundrum resembled drinking water with a fork. After about 15 minutes of begging and pleading, I found myself on the walk back home, sobbing and hoping she would change her mind, realize her mistake, and come after me. She didn’t. Days went by without responses to my messages or calls. I called her mom, cousin, and best friend for help, the last one confessing she had left me for someone else.
Little did I know, this moment would mark the beginning of a treacherous journey filled with heartache, self-discovery, and ultimately, wisdom. I share my most valuable and transformational moments in my memoir “No Grail Without Dragons; A Man’s Unconventional Path to Love, Purpose, and Peace”.
Searching for answers can be a bit of a cow-dung dive.
DEEP ROOTS
My journey to this moment began long before Maria uttered those fateful words. Growing up in a nomadic lifestyle, I moved from place to place, never staying in one location for long. Each new country, city, and school brought with it the need for connection, a yearning to belong.
But the transient nature of my existence made forging meaningful relationships a challenge, and constantly abandoning what I had built felt like losing parts of myself along the way. It wasn't until I met Maria that I felt a glimmer of hope, and our fiery romance seemed to defy the odds. But things ended as fast and hard as they began.
To cope with the pain of heartbreak, I threw myself into the dating scene with reckless abandon. I tried every tactic, strategy, and “hack” I could find to protect myself from the agony of loss. But no matter how hard I tried, each breakup left me more lost and disillusioned than before. It took multiple failed relationships, including a second divorce by 35, to realize that my approach was fundamentally flawed. I had spent years searching for love in all the wrong places, only to find myself back at square one, broken and alone.
It was during the darkest moment of my journey that I had a revelation: my attempts to cling to my partners out of fear of abandonment only pushed them further away. Whether I did “too much too soon”, became overprotective, or threatened to leave, nothing prevented my dreaded fate. It was a sobering realization, one that set me on a path toward true healing and relationship success.
I’m a fan of getting something in exchange for pain.
A SENSE OF DIRECTION
Despite the pain and heartache I endured, I eventually found peace in acceptance. I came to terms with the fact that relationships would end sooner or later, and that instead of working so hard to avoid the inevitable, I could change my perspectives, beliefs, and approach to increase my odds of experiencing what I sought.
Each heartbreak hid valuable lessons about love, loss, and resilience, much like tiny diamonds in big lumps of coal. Shedding the fear of abandonment had cost me everything I had worked to build, but had also led to the ingredients of a fulfilling relationship with myself and others, one where the thought of separation no longer haunted me, but empowered me to live my best life.
Below you will find 5 valuable principles that helped me build the relationship I dreamed of, find sustainable ways to navigate love, and overcome the dreaded fear of ending up alone for reasons out of my control.
WHAT I WISH I KNEW THEN
Communication: There is a difference between demanding, manipulating, and openly expressing our needs and wants. To succeed in this area, I first had to know myself, discover my needs, and learn ways to share them with my partner in healthy and constructive ways.
I also had to learn to listen, surrender, and find peace in having done my best, as the rest depended on my partner.
Integrity: It took many failures to handle the aftermath of conflict in constructive ways. Because I considered arguments an omen of breakups, I chose to relieve the pressure of resentment through destructive venues, such as flirting with others, distracting myself with solo activities, and talking smack about my partners with friends. These “solutions” offered short-term relief but only contributed to worse future interactions and results.
Protecting my partner’s heart by doing the right thing, even if inconvenient, freed me from the chains of regret, low self-perception, and empowered me to move forward without worrying about what’s next. The discomfort of doing the right thing paled in comparison to the peace it brought to my life.
Self-Awareness: “How do I contribute to the situations I hate most?” This question changed my life, as it quickly exposed the behavior that fueled the situations I wanted to avoid. Things I had considered protective or a sign of “caring” (i.e., jealousy) were the main causes of the emotional suffocation I instilled in others.
Looking at things from the other side helped me realize that if the roles changed, I would have done the same thing they did. Reflecting on past experiences and learning from mistakes allowed me to grow, heal, and eradicate the fear of repeating my mistakes.
Acceptance: Most of us learn to love anything after we lose it, and when it comes to people, we seldom get a second chance. The best way to behave in a relationship is by accepting it will end, whether by our actions, lack of mutual understanding, or time. This pushed me to show up as my best self each day, so I could become the person I wanted to find and therefore minimize the chances of failure by my own hand.
Treat Loved Ones With Love: Having lived and worked around the world, I quickly realized that we behave our worst within relationships. We would rarely talk to a police officer, boss, or even stranger the way we do with our “loved” ones, and the fact that they are still by our side is proof that love can conquer and withstand it all, even behavior that contradicts your own words.
I also realized that when losing a loved one, the rest of things seem to be pointless. Our friends, jobs, homes, and possessions change at alarming rates. A romantic partner, however, could last a lifetime, and being your best self with them is the wisest investment you can make. “The love you take is equal to the love you make” (The Beatles), so think, perceive, believe, and behave accordingly.
Love is a game worth playing full out.
LOVING LOVE
My journey through heartbreak has been a challenging one, replete with highs and lows, wins, and setbacks. But through it all, I've come to realize that each experience and breakup has been a stepping stone on the path toward self-discovery, personal growth, and the ingredients to achieve sustainable and fulfilling bonds.
Not once have I regretted doing my best or giving it my all. Because when you are at peace with yourself and know you’ve played full out, everything else that happens will happen for you, not to you. After all, becoming the person you hope to find is the best gift you can give to yourself and others, and who in their right mind would want to leave a person like that?
CLOSING
As always, thank you for spending time reading my blog and investing in yourself. If you are interested in further exploring resources that can transform your life, consider purchasing my book “No Grail Without Dragons: A Man’s Unconventional Path to Love, Purpose, and Peace”, downloading my FREE “Conquering Your Inner Critic” step-by-step guide, or visiting the links below.
To a life full of Love, Purpose and Peace.
Victor