In my most recent YouTube video, I discuss my first breakthrough when it comes to romantic relationships. As someone driven to discover how to create a sustainable and fulfilling relationship, this approach allowed me to defeat the cycle of self-sabotage.

If you haven’t watched the video, here’s a short version that can help you make changes NOW.

INVISIBLE ENEMY

Having wrestled with rejection, breakups and overcoming two divorces, I battled questions that seemed to have no answers. By the end of every relationship I was convinced I had done my very best by following every request and putting partners on a pedestal. But, most often than not, the end came fast and hard, in the flavor that only an “I can’t do this anymore” can deliver.

Because of my desire to succeed and avoid loneliness, I learned the power of introspection, replaying old scenarios to realize what I could have done better, and how that might have affected the outcome.

This process was painful, as I realized that majority of issues could have been resolved by working as a team, and that nothing (except self-love and respect) had been worth the outcome. I had heard multiple experts across the board talk about the power of thought and the importance of beliefs, but now I understood first-hand what they meant.

MINDSET-JUTSU

The beliefs you hold (“i.e.: my wife is such a nagger”) lead you to feel a certain way (i.e.: resented, annoyed, defensive) and lead to actions (talking back, arguing, stonewalling) that produce the outcomes we often want to avoid (bigger argument, emotional distancing, irreconcilable differences).

While I knew that changing my actions would lead to different results, I had ignored or downplayed the importance of what I believed. I successfully controlled my emotions, actions and responses, which helped in many ways. But not changing what I believed held me hostage of resentment and fear.

After a while that process became tiresome, because although it avoided fights and perhaps extended the duration of a relationship, it never relieved my inner emotional pressure. As time progressed I felt so burdened that I preferred to avoid conflict altogether. But none of those approaches worked, and when I met my dreaded fate, I felt hopeless and like something was wrong with me.

My second divorce delivered the final K.O, pushing me to seek in places I never considered. I began with therapy, and helped the process between sessions by learning about myself. It wasn’t until I embarked on the exercises below that I experienced a major breakthrough, one that would be the first key to slaying the dragon of self-sabotage.

TURNING ROCKS

I stumbled upon the last unturned rock when, in a moment of pressure, I embodied (and become aware of) the way my father had reacted towards others, including me. While I could justify my behavior or “response” in countless ways, my drive to avoid his mistakes left me with no option but to admit I had acted in a way I despised, and do something to change it. In that moment, I realized that self-awareness was the first key to the results I desired.

Becoming self-aware can be compared to hitting the gym. There is effort involved and pain in the process, but one can’t grow or get stronger any other way. There are many different ways to practice self-awareness, but if you seek instant and massive results, the processes below are what helped me most.

1- JOURNALING

I’ve had my fair share of journaling attempts through the years, but could seldom manage to fill in a few pages before I stopped.

While I considered it a hobby then, I began taking it seriously when journaling became a common denominator in major podcasts, from neuroscience to practical psychology. By learning about its impact on those who practiced it, I adopted it as a new habit for improving myself and the way I feel.

Journaling helped me uncover hidden events that had influenced my life and behavior unconsciously, giving me a chance to change the issue at the root level and rid myself from the resentment — or cognitive dissonance — between what I believed and how I acted. I replaced “my wife is such a nagger” with “My wife is telling me something I need to hear”, which aligned the actions of yielding, listening and making her feel valued with what I believed and felt.

Journaling can make you realize you are guilty of your worst pains, which hurts, but pales in comparison to the horrors of divorce, having to work on yourself anyways, and never being the same again. By uncovering your blind spots early you give yourself a shot of making corrections along the way before it’s too late.

2- MEDITATION

If I struggled with journaling, meditation resembled drinking water with a fork. My early attempts began at 19, when I experimented with hypnotism to improve my sports performance. I abandoned hypnotism when my sports career ended, became part of the bigger machine after my first marriage, and lost belief in most things after divorce at 25.

I ignored Meditation (and even considered it a bunch of bs) for years to come, until Mark Divine, a retired US Navy Seal Commander and founder of SEALFIT, explained how America’s finest warriors meditate. If these guys (who performed superhuman feats) took it seriously, then maybe should I.

Not long after, I became adept to The Tim Ferriss Show, where it became clear to me that Meditation is a common denominator among those who are anybody. From Sir Richard Branson to some knuckleheads who shall remain nameless, meditation was a non-negotiable practice, and to realize its value I just had to read between the lines.

Over the last 8 years I’ve experimented with every type of “meditation” I’ve come across, from guided Yoga Nidra to Transcendental Meditation. While every approach yielded different results, one thing became undeniable; they improved my life in ways I couldn’t dream of.

While understanding their application took years of first-hand practice, I can confidently say that the best meditation technique I’ve found is to:

Close your eyes
Do nothing: let your breath be natural, let your muscles release and just breathe.
Hold not thought: thoughts are like clouds below a blue sky, they come and go but the sky is always there. When thoughts come, let them pass like clouds, by not entertaining them, clinging to them, or trying to attend to false alarms.
Practice: start where you can, whether that is 5 minutes or 10 seconds. Much like the gym, you can only lift as much as you can before you get stronger.

Worst case scenario, meditation will increase the time between an experience and your response, and who wouldn’t benefit by skipping that donut the moment you feel tempted?

3 - SELF-AUTHORING

I’m not sponsored or affiliated with SelfAuthoring.com, but it’d be a crime to not share this. I began this process in 2019 and finished it in 2021, mostly due to handling divorce, unemployment and COVID-19 quarantine in between.

Created by Jordan B. Peterson and friends, Self Authoring is an in-depth review of your past, present and desired future. Like a personalized map of your life story, this is a sure way to avoid drifting through this life without knowing what holds you back, makes you unique, and things you’re giving up due to ignorance.

4 - LISTEN TO SOMEONE

When it comes to your relationship you should listen to your partner, but a therapist or relationships coach works too. We are blind to our own perception, hence anything others tell you is something that could help you improve. Instead of living stuck in your roots, you can develop the ability to listen to and consider others’ peoples opinions without making them your own, and in the process give yourself a chance to improve the way you relate to each other.

While I like to believe in things that are product of my own conclusions, listening to others has improved my life in ways that I couldn’t achieve on my own.

CONCLUSION

Thanks to self-awareness I began recognizing how I conspired against myself. I also understood why things hadn’t worked out in the past despite my best efforts, and achieved the peace of discovering the problem to avoid repeating it.

True change comes from being aware of our unconscious self and the way we talk to ourselves. This FREE Guide will help you get started on the path to improving your life, your relationship and the way you feel.

If you’re interested in the 33 “aha!” Moments that changed my life, check out my book No Grail Without Dragons here.

Last but not least, the video version of this post can be watched here. Please don’t forget to comment, like and subscribe!

Thank you for your support and I hope this helped.

Until the next,

Victor

THE FIRST KEY TO RELATIONSHIP BLISS.