Shortly after having breakfast, my son asks about playing video games. He has done this every day of summer vacation thus far, and I explain — every time — the benefits of doing something else. Like wrestling a pro-sumo fighter to the ground, I struggle against his charm, reasoning and negotiating expertise.

But today, after asking myself “what am I trying to teach him?”, I reach a new level of clarity. I don’t resort to my usual “why not play video games” monologue. Instead, I explain priorities, their importance, and how the order in which we place them can lead to what we dream most or keep us stuck in quicksands.

Just like children, many of us have a similar inclinations. We prefer distractions, fun and engaging activities over responsibilities or “must dos”. I’m no stranger to this battle; thinking about the rush I get from things I enjoy dwarves the "excitement” of getting things done. But by failing — and losing — myself, jobs, ventures and relationships, I’ve learned that the danger is not the activity in itself, but its order of priority. Two divorces, single parenting, unemployment and other undesirable life circumstances have taught me that I didn’t value what I had, until it was gone. 

A clear example is prioritizing work over family. While I’ve worked numerous jobs, from factory janitor to franchise owner, I don’t realize this until I become a single, full-time dad of two, and get laid off from a corporate job during the pandemic. The realities of parenting are a strenuous surprise, but the realization of how much I missed for something that didn’t matter as much feels like a brick to the face.

Another example is prioritizing everything else over personal health and fitness. A brush with death puts things in perspective and the importance of taking care of myself for others. If I get sick, I can’t protect or provide for my children. Ignoring my health to fulfill daily responsibilities seems like a positive sacrifice, but ignoring years to come could be a recipe for disaster.

These —  and multiple other — experiences teach me the value of “getting things right”, or in other words, not putting the carriage before the horse. Balancing work, health, parenting, finances, people and pleasure is a tricky sequence to nail.

Throughout the years, I experiment with the order of priorities in my life, experience the results, and reiterate for a better outcome. Like dominoes, the first piece determines the resulting ripple effect, and priorities are just the same.

After 20 years I find the sequence that leads to the results I seek; a more fulfilled life, healthier self, thriving relationships and still have time for “fun”. While not in the words of this post, I share with my son and daughter what I wish I had known long ago, a practical way of organizing my life that would have saved countless failure, pain and heartache. Now I’ll share it with you.

This recipe is:

Priority #1: Yourself

“If you don’t love yourself, nobody will. Not only that, you won’t be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self.” —Wayne Dyer

Focusing on yourself is a double-edged sword, and depending on your experiences, this could range from asceticism to overindulging.

As a kid, I’m taught to put others first —  by force —  and I do so until I rebel in my late teens. One of my first jobs is one-manning a fried chicken joint in the middle of Paterson, NJ, open to close, 7 days a week. I cook, clean, prep food, maintain machines, and learn English, courtesy of messing up customers' orders and almost getting beaten for it.

Despite the challenges and 100+ hours to earn a living, I hand all my earnings to my parents. It has been that way ever since I came through money, whether as a gift, shining shoes at a bus station, or my full-time job. If I refuse or fight back, I face a number of guilt-evoking accusations that I fear more than being broke. My parents aren’t selfish or controlling; they’ve endured numerous reversals and want to avoid their past mistakes.

But one day I have enough. My daily 5-mile walk to work is marked by unexpected freezing temperatures. I’m wearing a thin nylon jacket I bought at a thrift store (behind my parents' back), my favorite — and only — set of black nylon winter pants (later I find out they’re snowboarding pants), and the only pair of sneakers I’ve owned for over a year. I’m trembling, my hands nearly blue from the cold, and I can no longer feel my toes. But today is payday Friday, and no matter what , I’m going to buy myself a puffy jacket.

That marks the moment when I learn to put myself first. But like an addiction, I continue pushing the envelope to the point that my actions no longer produce positive results. I go from one end to the other, adopting a selfish and egocentric behavior that leads to losing friendships, jobs, and relationships. It’s finding myself at the deepest part of the barrel that shifts my perspective once and for all, a lesson that could have been avoided with proper guidance. 

Lesson Learned

Putting myself first means caring for the first domino piece at the front of the line, not doing whatever I want and prioritizing my preferences over everything else. I improve by developing self-awareness, learning new things, exercising, and striving to grow in the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical planes. Caring for myself yields better results in all areas of life, like a rock in a pond produces ripples according to its size, filling my cup so then I can give to others. 

Priority #2: Your surroundings

"Caring for your surroundings is a form of self-respect and respect for others."

— Dalai Lama

As a kid, I learned to help, organize, and clean after myself thanks to my dad’s military-like methods. From making a 4-corners bed immediately after waking up to doing the dishes, he makes sure I don’t get away with strolling down Lazy Road.

But when I move out, I’m free to do as I please. No one can tell me how to live my life or maintain my place. I ignore my childhood training in favor of “easier living,” which means I leave clothes anywhere, do the dishes when they stink, and organize my place when someone wants to visit.

This new “free” way of living doesn’t produce the results I expect. While I rejoice avoiding the need to meet others’ expectations, I create a mountain of stress for myself, physically and emotionally. Piles of laundry every weekend, hours of mail-cleaning, and the one-too-many times of witnessing a visitor cringe at my dirty dishes. 

Being married twice drives the point home, as I get to experience how not caring for your surroundings can affect your partner, mutual connection, and future. Living with someone who finds a messy lifestyle acceptable can be challenging, creating loads of unnecessary work for the other person, and igniting a power struggle that destroys love. It also affects how we feel, think, and the results we produce in our everyday endeavors.

Lesson Learned

After caring for oneself, taking care of our surroundings is the next best thing to improve quality of life. Not allowing our home and personal lives to deteriorate allows us to have clear minds, be more present, and avoid the weight of the “should dos.”

Priority #3: THOSE AROUND YOU

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." — Robert Brault

Dialing the first two allows me to tackle the next. I realize that I; get into relationships because of something I want to feel; have children because of something I want to feel and experience; go on vacations to feel something I usually don’t; and have friendships because of how I feel around them.

Everything I do, it seems, is to experience a certain emotional state. I prefer to be closer to joy than to suffering. And if our connections are a place to find what I seek — to feel —, the next best thing is to actually experience them. “This too shall pass” applies to jobs, circumstances and also people, but realizing what matters most after-the-fact can be a tough pill to swallow.

This is the hardest — and most painful — lesson in my life. But failing enough times allows me to see what matters most to me, and to learn the irrevocable consequences of not enjoying (and honoring) others’ presence when I have the chance.

A walk with the kids, a romantic gesture for my partner, playing with my dogs, or abandoning my phone for a few hours seem difficult at first; after all, I’ve been trained to be productive and taught that one can always find things to do. But by valuing-as-I’m-told I miss the things that matter most to me, the moments I wish had been wiser to enjoy, to cherish, and to hold.

Lesson Learned

Understanding and re-training my habits becomes the solution. I ditch the distractions and prioritize my connection to those around me, uncovering positive emotional states by being present, valuing others, and turning the voice in my mind from dictator to supporter.

Priority #4: Quality of Work

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."

— Albert Schweitzer

Work fills a great part of our lives, many times demanding more physical and mental presence than those at home who we say we work and live for.

I start working at 8, shining shoes at a bus station after school. From then on I have a number of ventures, jobs, and businesses, from playing Magic The Gathering on the streets of Buenos Aires while living alone to finish high school, to managing multi-million dollar portfolios for big, fat companies. Through each experience I spot a common theme; There’s always more work to do, there’s someone always willing to work 26 hours a day, and there’s no second thought when discarding a “human resource.”

Based on these “revelations”, I decide to give my bare minimum at work. I keep co-workers at arm's length, don’t respond well to authority, and I seldom give more than I need to. After all, I’ve been let go of jobs for made-up reasons, in times when a job was what I needed most.

But my rebellious approach doesn’t help me feel any better. I jump from job to job seeking what I love, only to find that everything becomes monotonous at some point. The gap between my expectations and experience is massive, and so is my disheartening. Is working a curse, then?

Lesson Learned

Instead of finding something I “love”, I learn to love whatever I do. I force my ego to take the back seat and find joy in doing my best on the task at hand. I skip long lunch breaks, 15 visits to the bathroom, coffee-station meetings, and useless web-browsing while dodging to-dos. Doing my work well spares me from working outside of business hours, carrying work worries back home, and the feeling of weakness that comes from procrastination and fear. It also gives me the satisfaction of “overcoming myself”, and conditions me for my next venture, avoiding failure due to bad habits. 

Priority #5: Fun

"Entertainment is the opium of the masses. A distraction from the important things in life."

— Unknown

Last but not least is fun, or in better terms, distractions. I’m no stranger to video games, movies, social media, virtual reality, anime, soccer matches, sports fanaticism, or cat videos. The rush of engineered fun is addicting by design, and it’s much easier to find reasons to succumb than finding reasons to leave.

While you decay, expand your waistline, and ignore the world around you, those entertaining you are stashing their pockets. They live in better houses than yours, drive cooler cars, eat at fancier places, dress in better-feeling clothing, travel to places you’ve only seen in their shows, and make use of the brief time we have on earth the same way you could. The most ironic part? They live like this thanks to your sacrifice, but they don’t (and likely wouldn’t care to) know your name, your kids' birthday, or your deepest aspirations. To them, you are likely just a useless consumer.

How do I know that? Because I’ve been on the other side of the wall. I’ve worked with famous music artists, been “behind the stage”, and have seen the dirty tactics used by those entertaining you to keep you hooked. It’s not hard to cater to our lower nature and make fortunes from exploiting the deadly seven. It’s even easier to get hooked, trapped, and kept hostage. 

Lesson Learned

In today’s at-your-fingertips world, entertainment is nearly unavoidable. But understanding the impact it has on your life is crucial, which could spare you from regret, the pain of comfort, and leaving this world without a trace of the power within you.

Have fun in moderation, and only after you’ve done your part in fulfilling the previous steps, stages that if done well will leave you with just the right amount of time for brain-numbing, make-believe, pointless endeavors. Getting a quick rush to satisfy deeper needs is like having fast food when your body is starving for a Gordon Ramsey-like meal. It’s ok to indulge when all else is in order, but putting this first is sure to bring unpleasant results. 

Conclusion

And that's it for today. It’s easy to see how we can expand on this topic and its nuances for a long time, but at high level, this order of priorities has allowed me to lived a fuller life and avoid destructive patterns. Whether you are entering the “real world” or having a mid-life crisis, it is never too late to experiment with something new and find the treasure hidden beneath your own nose.

Please consider sharing this post, commenting, and checking out my book “No Grail Without Dragons,” a personal memoir where I share the most intimate 33 life shifts that led me to love, purpose, and peace.

I’m also working on my next book, “The Traps of Marriage,” scheduled to launch later this year. In this new book, I explore the challenges I find, face, and overcome in over 100 relationships, 2 marriages, and two divorces, and how I go from losing hope in the game of love to finding the recipe for sustainable joy. Get pre-order details, launch date (I’ll likely include a gift) and news by subscribing to my newsletter.

Thank you for reading,

Victor